/yu/ - Feelings

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 No.3188[D]

I had such a bizarre experience today.
I'll start by saying I had weird signs calling my attention today all around, I'll omite sharing them because I don't find them relevant to this story.
I'm laying in bed while being completely conscious. I don't remember what I was thinking about for sure; but I think I was planning out something I wanted to write about. Here's where the weird part comes in: I forgot what I was thinking about because my thoughts where replaced in real time.
I've never heard of anyone having a similar experience, and it was honestly really freakish. Let me elaborate, my inner monologue is both visual and verbal, although it's predominantly verbal. While I was trying to mentally "map out" the plot of what I wanted to write, something got into my head and started changing my thoghts in real time, word by word. I felt like my mind was split. It just... rearranged my thoughts and it was completely out of my control. My mind just kept going with these completely new, alien thoughts.
I looked it up on the Internet, and according to Wikipedia this is called "thought insertion" and many recommended websites direct me to psychosis. A lot of things that I thought were normal seem to be symptoms of a pathology. I won't list all of them, but it's basically every depression and OCD symptom that you could possibly have.
I've even discovered that a lof of thoughts that I have, which I always thought were just me being wary/self-preserving, are considered to be "paranoid delusions". Such as thinking I'm being keylogged, recorded while in my room, or that my thoughts are being broadcasted on the internet.
Is this something I should be concerned about? Should I seek help/tell someone or is it no biggie?
I've been having these "symptoms" for a while now, they started slowly when I was 16-17 and they just kept increasing with the years. (I'm 19 now). I've also been to therapy and have been hospitalized before but I got diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I haven't been medicated or in therapy for half a year now. The medication I took was a mood stabilizer (anti psychotic.) I also briefly took two different SSRI. My parents are begging me to go to therapy but I'm scared that they'll try to drug me up again.

 No.3189[D][DF]

From the Wikipedia entry on schizophrenia
>Symptoms typically come on gradually, begin in young adulthood
From your post
>I've been having these "symptoms" for a while now, they started slowly when I was 16-17

See the pattern?
Thinking your thoughts are being broadcast on the internet is not normal. Why would so much effort be spent on you, just another person lost in the tides of time?

 No.3190[D][DF]

>>3189
>See the pattern?
Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean what's going on here is concerning. I might be overthinking a complete normal experience, that's why I'm asking strangers if they think this behavior is normal (by comparing it to their own.) It's hard to say and therapy might be a 100% avoidable.
>Why would so much effort be spent on you, just another person lost in the tides of time?
I'm wondering the exact same thing. I don't know why they do it.
I don't think I'm a special snowflake worth monitoring, and I'd choose to a life where I'm not being watched 24/7 if such a thing existed. You wouldn't feel safe either, were you in my place.
It's hard to go out because I think people are going to attack me, or that they're staring at me; and it's even harder to keep a conversation going when you can't trust anyone, or feel embarrassed by thoughts you can't quite control (especially when you know the other person is aware of your thoughts.)

 No.3191[D][DF]

>>3188
To be frank you clearly need help. Ignoring that stuff will cause more problems as you go on. You should ask around to see if there's non medical options to treat it, but if you have no choice in the matter then you'll have to sadily deal with yourself being drugged up. Yeah, and there's ways to deal with that type of mental issues like taking fish oil pills and living a stress free life but it depends on how bad it is. (this is only based on what you wrote because it seems quite serious and not something that can just be written off as normal.)
>>3190
i can understand being scared of being attacked if you had been hurt before or you live in a bad area, but if not then it generally seems your symtoms are much more severe.

 No.3192[D][DF]

>>3191
I'd have to check if there's any alternative medicine available. I'll try to make an appointment with a therapist, although it's certainly hard to talk to them when I know whatever I say will be used against me.
>but if not then it generally seems your symtoms are much more severe.
I always thought all of this was normal, I don't know. It's just really hard for me. Words like "severe" scare me.

 No.3193[D][DF]

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>>3190
>>3192
>I might be overthinking a complete normal experience
>I don't know why they do it.
>especially when you know the other person is aware of your thoughts.
>it's certainly hard to talk to them when I know whatever I say will be used against me.

Jesus H. fucking Christ, anon, you are completely fucking delusional. These two posts are the most insane shit I've read in a long time. It is not possible to know what another person is thinking.
>that doesn't mean what's going on here is concerning
WHAT YOU JUST WROTE IS VERY FUCKING CONCERNING. Ask your parents to set up an appointment with a therapist for you. Do it now before you hurt someone, you goddamn looney. A therapist is not your enemy, it is literally his/her job to help people. Also, I must add:
>asks strangers on the internet for opinions
>completely deflects everything they say
Fucking hell, first that lunatic on /i/ and now this? Goddamn, this place has its moments.

 No.3194[D][DF]

>>3193
The human brain adapts to situations easily, especially if you where born with something. A man who got brain damage is way worse then a baby who grew up with it. Especially if it happens subtly which seems to be the case for OP. Due it happening over the years with it increasing over time he basically got "inoculated" over time. (Especially if OP is in a isolated enviorment) Most adults dont realise they even have autism, also other people tend to normalise or rationalise stuff like faggotry or whatever. Also look up what happened to phillip k dick, he pretty much rationalised his situation (atleast for a while)>>3188

 No.3195[D][DF]

>>3193
>Jesus H. fucking Christ, anon, you are completely fucking delusional.
Well, yeah, that seems to be the case. I just never realized. What you think is insane, is normal to me. I don't see anything wrong or alarming with my train of thought, or at least I didn't until someone replaced my thoughts; which I found terrifying, personally.
>It is not possible to know what another person is thinking.
But it is. Human behavior is easy to predict. Just look at social media algorithms. Technology is ages more advanced than what we, the public, know. Mind reading might be already possible. Not trying to argue wether is technology is being used against me or not; just pointing out that we don't know for sure what really is possible.
>WHAT YOU JUST WROTE IS VERY FUCKING CONCERNING. Ask your parents to set up an appointment with a therapist for you.
Yeah, I'll make an appointment as soon as possible.
>A therapist is not your enemy, it is literally his/her job to help people.
I've had a lot of bad experiences with therapists and doctors, it's hard for me to trust them. If you were as drugged as I was back then, you wouldn't want to see a psychiatrist either. They rot your brain and break your spirit.
>Fucking hell, first that lunatic on /i/ and now this? Goddamn, this place has its moments.
I wasn't trying to be disruptive with this post.
>>3194
Thank you for explaining this, anon.

 No.3196[D][DF]

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Thought insertion could be psychosis, but more often in the case of a saner person such as you might be (the post doesn't suggest otherwise but obviously that isn't enough to tell a whether a person themselves is any certain way) it is a tactic used against certain individuals. This is some crazy targetting schizo shit, but simply a system of influences that gets your brain to change thoughts and behaviours, typically from subversive ones. A variety of means, we all know they kind of influence from propaganda and MK-Ultra studies, but whats less overlooked and can lead to more of the "active replacement" type cases sometimes, is the results of similar CIA research into "The Gateway Process". There's not much public knowledge but the last publicly released documents on it from 1983 (https://www.cia.gov/readingroom/docs/CIA-RDP96-00788R001700210016-5.pdf) show that they could use certain radio frequencies to influence thoughts, similar to electrotherapy, and that this is doable over longer range, in order to, not control per se, but definitely influence minds. The chief method back then and I'd assume still now is akin to hypnosis, so its not quite noticable as active replacement, but when hypnosis does occur people do have feelings of incorrect thoughts, similar to the replacement, or it could just be other influence actively.
Not saying this is specifically your case, but I think it may be worth looking into, and certain individuals fearing this have been able to detect interference, however thats usually using less than accurate methods.

As for therapy, if they don't view you as a harm, physically or mentally, to yourself or others, and you are relatively sane(by typing this post you seem to be) in most countries they cannot force you to take medication, but I would check up on your specific country. It will certainly take one specific approach and therapy tends to ignore many possibilities for things wether it be theoretical, social, or legal(like "anti conversion therapy for transgenders") reasons, but its still helpful to maybe see a more professional opinion, and you can still deny medication or leave out details.

 No.3197[D][DF]

>>3196
>This is some crazy targetting schizo shit
*is NOT some crazy targetting schizo shit
awful typo

 No.3198[D][DF]

>>3196
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the whole hypnosis/mind control thing, which was my first reaction when I got my thoughts replaced. I must say, I'm not North American, and I don't know if any of this technology is being used in my country. I'll look into it, for sure.
Regarding wether I'm sane or not, well, it "depends".
Am I functional/useful to society? No, I wouldn't say so. I'm not in education, employment, or training. I struggle with a lot of everyday chores (showering, cleaning my living space, talking to a cashier).
I started therapy at 13~ years old and I spent many of my years taking medication, going to different professionals, and being hospitalized.
Am I a nut case, though? Absolutely not, I can think straight most of the time and I don't consider myself to be suicidal or dangerous in any way. I have a history of aggression, suicide attempts, and self-harm, but that's behind me now. When I told them I wanted to stop therapy they didn't let me at first, but after months of fighting they allowed me. If I were a danger to anyone, I would have gotten institutionalized right away.
>As for therapy, if they don't view you as a harm, physically or mentally, to yourself or others, and you are relatively sane(by typing this post you seem to be) in most countries they cannot force you to take medication, but I would check up on your specific country.
No, they can't force you to take medication if you're 18+, UNLESS you get institutionalized again or are seen as dangerous, which might happen if I go to a therapist and talk about my struggles. I mentioned my symptoms briefly in the previous posts because I didn't want to write serval paragraphs, but I will list some of my symptoms. Keep in mind I have diagnosed autism, so a lot of these are to be expected:
>Blank expression, overly acute senses, excessive clumsiness, involuntary jerking movements, switching between constant pacing and being in bed all day, not being able to experience pleasure, indifference, not having any aspirations, sudden hostility/resentment, severe anxiety, dropping out everything, social isolation/no friends, poor hygiene (lol), inability to cope with minor stress/any difficulty, being intensely religious**, poverty of speech, poor concentration/memory, obsessive thoughts, compulsions, etc. I could go on all day.
The thing is, I'm not a good judge to say what about me is normal or abnormal. I know I have thess symptoms because they have been diagnosed to me by a medical professional, but I can't tell wether my thoughts are delusional or nonsensical.
Let's say that I hear that having absurd beliefs is a symptom, and I 100% wholeheartedly believe that pigs can fly and this is not absurd to me at all. Wouldn't I, in that case, be unable to tell what's considered absurd?
**I'm not super religious or actively partake in any organized religion/cult; but I take signs from above extremely seriously, and I've been visited by otherworldly beings before.
Regardless, I'll try to call my old therapist and see what she's up to.

Sorry for the ridiculous and unnecessary length of this reply and/or any spelling mistakes.

 No.3199[D][DF]

>>3198
> Let's say that I hear that having absurd beliefs is a symptom, and I 100% wholeheartedly believe that pigs can fly and this is not absurd to me at all. Wouldn't I, in that case, be unable to tell what's considered absurd?
Well in that case it simply a matter of evidence. I've been told I'm insane for believing some "more conspiratorial" beliefs, but then oh look the american elites really do have a pedo island or oh look covid really is from a lab. People are quick to call you out on having beliefs that they themselves will find nonsensical, before even specifically searching them out possible evidence FOR them. What's important is whether you can find reliable evidence, if your getting evidence fairly equally of BOTH sides, and if you understand whats reliable and whats not. If you can't tell those things, like with pigs flying, of course thats a delusion, but if you have good evidence, that's a reasonable thing to believe, whether or not some therapist tells you its absurd.
But you should definitely know what would be considered more absurd believes by others, and it shouldn't be hard to stay out of institutions.

The notes around religion are a bit concerning, but don't necessarily mean anything. Noticably the signs very seriously, while it could be legitimate signs and stuff this is FAR more common as a usually earlier and sustained symptom of schizophrenic type disorders, and being visited by otherwordly beings, while not impossible, and depending on HOW visited (physically or mentally, such as with DMT) it could also be another thing which, while not necessarily schizo, is another very common psychosis thats insanely far more prevalent in schizo types than normal people where its more likely not to be psychosis.
If I were you I'd do some thinking through your thoughts about those kinds of things and try to have some kind of dialectal with yourself, try to disprove some of them you know. If you can't maybe they are the case, no harm; if you can, well then you've helped yourself.

 No.3200[D][DF]

>>3195
Don't worry, OP, I did not find your posts disruptive <3 they're just pretty out there.

>>3196
I fully believe the CIA/American Government has mastered some form of mind control but it's ridiculous to believe OP would be targeted by something like that. He doesn't even live in the U.S.

OP, you don't consider yourself dangerous but these symptoms will progress if left unchecked. I think your paranoid delusions will grow larger until you act on them. I really think you should see a therapist to prevent that from happening.

 No.3201[D][DF]

>>3200
>I think your paranoid delusions will grow larger until you act on them
BY THIS I mean that you could possibly decide to start acting on them. I am NOT saying that you should. <3

 No.3202[D][DF]

op should (or atleast get help from his family/parents/doctor) make sure the meds he has to take doesnt have any shitty side affects that might harm him then actually help like shitting blood

 No.3203[D][DF]

>>3199
>People are quick to call you out on having beliefs that they themselves will find nonsensical, before even specifically searching them out possible evidence FOR them. What's important is whether you can find reliable evidence, if your getting evidence fairly equally of BOTH sides, and if you understand what's reliable and what's not.
Well, I do have evidence. First of all, the other day I was feeling depressed, so I decided to make a post on an imageboard about this. MINUTES after I posted that, my mom called me (we hadn't seen each other in days) and said she was worried about me and that she loved me. How could she know that I'm feeling bad without either:
a) Keylogging me
b) Reading my mind
I have countless examples of this type of behavior.
When I asked her if she was stalking she told me I was "delusional" and that she "respected my privacy", which is a bunch of obvious lies.
>and depending on HOW visited (physically or mentally, such as with DMT)
I don't do drugs. The signs I receive wouldn't be noticed by many, they're just patterns in the world around me, like a string of numbers. Although sometimes they can be more direct, for example, yesterday a book fell from my library and I took that as a sign to open a random page. The page was about PARANOID PSYCHOSIS in a medical book, which was the thing that pushed me to call a therapist today.
A lot of the signs I see direct my actions, for example: don't get off the bus in this stop, wait until the next one, or you'll be chocked to death otherwise. They're not always this drastic, they can also be along the lines of: don't eat an apple, the core is full of maggots, eat the orange instead (even if the apple seems fine.)
>>3202
The only way to prevent getting horrible side effects form anti psychotic medication is to take even more meds, at some point I was taking meds 4 times a day.

 No.3204[D][DF]

>>3203
(atleast most) Mothers have a natural empathic abilities (i.e noticing shit is wrong with their child) and what mother wouldn't be worried about their child's wellfare? Also coincidences do exist. You shouldn't be taking everyone's advice 100% seriously overall.

 No.3206[D][DF]

>>3204
As I said, we didn't see each other for a long period of time. Do all mothers have telepathy with their child? I doubt it, she's not very motherly at all.
>You shouldn't be taking everyone's advice 100% seriously overall.
You mean ITT? Everyone so far has told me to see a doctor, which I'm going to do regardless.

 No.3207[D][DF]

>>3203
Same lainposter here, you definitely seem, while not completely lost, most of these seem like delusions. As for evidence, no its not good evidence because you are making an assumption about what your mother has done(without any proof or evidence towards that) to explain her behaviour, and then the contrary evidence, which is important to follow, you are simply calling lies.
As for a book falling, yeah sign or coincidence who knows.
Bus stop? Sounds like instinctual. Not necessarily true but usually an innate thing that doesn't hurt not to follow.
An apple can't be full of maggots if it otherwise looks fine, there has to the be a whole they got inside of it with. Thats absurd.

Again be careful, but you should seek a therapist. Antipsychotics are horrible I know, so try to help this with therapy moreso than antipsychotics medication. Or if the cause is more hormonal or something, perhaps you just have a chemical imbalance in the brain, perhaps you can treat it either in other ways or with safer types of medications. Good luck with that and look behind you

 No.3208[D][DF]

>>3207
Hey, lainposter. Thanks for wishing me luck! Also thank you to any other anon who has helped me figure this out. I appreciate the kindness and serious discussion.
I know my behavior might seem "irrational" or "lacking evidence" to the majority but I just know. I have insight for this type of thing. A lot of symptoms seem very ambiguous: how can I know I'm hallucinating? What does hearing voices mean? I hear (inside my head, not as a voice) other people's thoughts. Is that a hallucination or an intrusive thought or a supernatural gift? It doesn't say.
Sometimes I feel bugs crawling in my skin when there's nothing there, or I see things moving on the corner of my eye, isn't that a universal experience and not a hallucination at all? I heard this is farily common and nothing to worry about at all.
All the things I see and hear seem normal to me, and I don't interact enough with others to know if what I'm seeing is fake or not.

The medication I took had several side effects on me; headaches, irritability and being extremely mean/cruel for no reason, sexual dysfunction, more jerkiness/clumsiness, sleeping all day long and being too tired to even open my mouth to eat, increased loss of attention, salivating an uncomfortable amount, and suicidal ideation.
Besides, my psychiatrist was kind of weird, he even implied that I don't get laid a lot. I highly doubt wether I'm a virgin or not matters in a psychiatric evaluation. (Anons let me know if this is common practice.)
There isn't a lot of female therapists/psychiatrists in my area and I only want to be treated by female doctors.

 No.3209[D][DF]

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>>3208
good luck

 No.3210[D][DF]

>>3208
I've never seen a psychiatrist but that seems like a weird thing to say to your patient lol. Maybe it's a sign of depression? Apparently it's normal to have sex regularly. Who knows, man. That's still a weird thing to say to your patient.

 No.3211[D][DF]

>>3210
anon could have been hallucinating that tho

 No.3212[D][DF]

>>3208
I can only assume, without any other context, that he was just checking what kind of relationships and social life you had as a lack thereof is a sign of for numerous things, especially given that you said he "implied" rather than just telling you straight.

 No.3213[D][DF]

>>3210
>>3211
>>3212
The conversations usually went like this
>Hey anon, how are you? How are your friends doing? Are you seeing anyone
>I don't have friends, and no, I'm not seeing anyone
He also upright asked me if I had a fuck buddy or a partner, to which I also said no because I fucking didn't. He did ask me if I was a virgin/sexually active, to which I decline answering because I thought it was an inappropriate question.
He "implied" that I didn't get laid a lot by saying, as nicely as possible, that I was rather ugly and flat chested**. No shit Sherlock, I have a mirror, y'know.
**This is taken slightly out of context but I don't want to explain the context because it's too personal.
He was weird and mean spirited in general. I once told him I wanted to die, to which he laughed and said that if that were true I'd be banging my head against the wall until I pass out.
I was 17 when all of this interactions happened and I just don't think it's the nicest thing you can tell a psychotic, recently hospitalized, teenager.

 No.3214[D][DF]

>>3213
Well, the guy you're talking about sounds kinda like a dick but derp of course he's gonna ask if you're sexually active or in a relationship, be it platonic or romantic. Those two things are pretty good indicators of mental health. That's not strange for a therapist to ask.

 No.3215[D][DF]

>>3214
i'd be weird if he said that while raising an eyebrow or winking

 No.3219[D][DF]

>>3214
He asked it every single time I went...
>kinda like a dick
>told me I wasn't really suicidal because I didn't bang my head against the wall
Pick one, anon

 No.3220[D][DF]

>>3215
Isn't weird to ask something every time and expecting a different answer. He knew I didn't have friends yet he decided to ask me how my friends were doing every single fucking time I went. That's just him being a huge moron and I don't care what any of you say about it, if you disagree keep it to yourself, it's immaterial to this thread.

 No.3221[D][DF]

>>3220
>if you disagree keep it to yourself, it's immaterial to this thread.
Well, you did ask us for our opinions so take it or leave it, OP. Maybe he asked you the same thing multiple times to gauge your reaction. It is a therapist's job to evaluate your mental state and it seems like your paranoid mindset sometimes makes it hard for you to tell the truth.

 No.3222[D][DF]

>>3221
uh, i also want to point out that i made >>3215 as a joke post to the expense of therapist of acting like a perv and not OP
Not exactly sure whats happened

 No.3225[D][DF]

>>3221
In what world telling someone that they should bang their head against a wall is professional? Pushing boundaries is not as cute as you think it is

 No.3226[D][DF]

>>3225
I never said it was professional and I don't condone what he said. It's not something you should say to a suicidal person.



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