/yu/ - Feelings


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I haven’t told anyone about this. I just feel like the people I know wouldn’t care for this kind of stuff. So /yu/ guys, I tried my best to remember stuff and write it down. Tried to make it less boring; filled in some gaps.

>be me

>go to private elementary school
>it's beginning of 2nd or 3rd grade
>pretty small school, so obvious when new people are here
>few new kids
>red hair freckles boy
>tall boy the teacher's family adopted from western Africa
>shorter girl with flaxen hair
>school begins
>new uniform policy, have to wear our dress uniforms on Monday
>usually just wear normal school uniform with a red or white shirt and pants
>but it Monday
>this means boys need to wear black slacks, belt, button up shirt, vest, and a tie
>girls just have to wear a little tie on top of their regular red or white collared shirts and dresses
>no basketballs or soccer balls anything so we just go out the big grass field
>usually race or tag, but for some reason we looked for four-leaved clovers
>searching massive field with friends
>flaxen hair latched onto some white haired girl with wireframe glasses
>they're looking for the rare purplish clover flowers among the white clover flowers in the field
>I’m complaining about the uniforms but flaxen can hear it
>flaxen hair walks up asks why
>still annoyed, I retort something dumb like “you get to be lazy when you have to wear your uniform”
>she cries
>I get in trouble when recess ends
>parents not happy I'm getting in trouble in the first week of school
>don't get to go to sushi restaurant Friday like we usually would


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(cont pt 2)

>next month or week they actually start making us doing stuff

>have to memorize Bible verses and poems because it's a Christian school
>teacher reading her Bible in morning
>somehow brought up disease when we were reading about Kings or Ruth
>friend named Eli asked about cancer because he heard his grandpa had it
>teacher explains that it's one of the curses of our fall
>raise hand
>"Does cancer hurt so bad people want to die?”
>completely out of nowhere
>at the time I had no idea what that really meant
>but the teacher knew
>teacher is the only one in room that knows
>teacher starts to tear up slightly
>vividly remember she looked up and sniffled and shakily said that "Anon, sometimes the pain is too much"
>I think I heard her mother had died from cancer in the summer
>sorry, Mrs. R


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(cont pt 3)

>it’s fall now

>we had a spelling bee against other Christian schools
>not important
>most things are easy, it’s a private school
>except recitations
>memorise and recite
>pumping out the Bible verses
>pumping out the poems
>pumping out the catechisms
>whenever the school has an open house, we all recite a certain verse or whatever to impress (intimidate) the guests
>I’m guessing it sounded like a cult when we all would chant
>apparently the school really prides itself on this recitation thing
>so school holds big recitation contest
>don’t really care, like the math contest better
>the “qualifiers” are in our individual classes
>go up, spit out some Psalms, don’t care
>then flaxen hair gets up
>actually pretty good at it
>like even good compared to the teacher
>next week she wins
>she recites in front of the whole school


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(cont pt 4)


>for the last week before Christmas break the school does “festivities”
>last day before break
>teacher has some people bring in crafts
>teacher brings in some plastic tinsel and tape for us to decorate
>flaxen’s mom comes in and teaches us how to make some incense with orange peel shavings, cinnamon and thyme which would go on a candle
>Asian girl brought a lot of cane strips for us to weave baskets
>school let us little kids have a little Christmas banquet in our classes
>teachers turned the lights off and brought candles
>desks are arranged so it looks like a long table when they put a tablecloth over them
>class ate some fruit and vegetables plates, ham and cookies
>lets us do whatever for the rest of the day
>argued with flaxen and Eli about the best Christmas carol
>it’s snowing outside
>clouds make the sky dark
>it’s warm from the candles but there’s a slight breeze blowing since the glass of the windows are so cold
>flaxen started monologuing about how she was allergic to peanuts
>the windowsill is being covered with coats of soft but heavy snow
>room smells warm from the incense


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(cont pt 5)

>after break, it was still pretty wintery

>school resumes
>people are getting the flu and cold, of course
>since our class is relatively small, it gets to the point where there were only like ten healthy people
>slowly, as it gets slightly warmer, everyone comes back
>flaxen and white hair don’t come back for a little longer
>white hair comes back
>few weeks go
>still no flaxen
>don’t really notice
>we were waking clay face sculptures in art
>art is the period when we have second recess
>usually stay with a few people to do our clay things and mess around
>getting late so ask to go wash hands
>walk down hallway
>cross the atrium with its glass ceilings and windows
>clear winter sun comes through the glass, reflects off the glossy tile floor and illuminates the faintly yellow colored drywall
>near one of the entrances to another hallway is flaxen and her mom
>flaxen isn’t in school uniform
>holding mom’s hand
>mom is talking to a teacher
>I keep walking to bathroom
>wash hands and scrape clay residue with paper towels
>walk back
>flaxen and mom are heading towards the main entrance
>they’re pretty far ahead
>flaxen is basically at the front office and entrance
>I’m still walking towards my art class
>I look at the front of the building
>she’s looking at me
>her eyes just say she’s tired
>the yellow light reflected from the sun, the walls and the marble floor covers face
>her hair shimmers
>she blinked
>looked down
>turned her head back to mom
>walked out of building
>don’t see her for the rest of the year
>don’t think of it too much


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(cont pt 6)

>in that summer my mom wanted me to experience more competition at school

>she thought private school wasn’t enough
>so my parents got me into the public school
>seems exciting
>forget about old school
>newschool focus
>good grades
>will stick with this
>decade later


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(cont pt 7)

>be me

>last Thursday, awake in bed
>think about the old old days
>window cracked open (I like it cold when I sleep)
>can almost hear the interstate and the distinct sound of the tractor trailers passing through
>phone buzz
>check phone
>maybe I’m not alone
>it’s the data company saying my recharge payment is expiring next month since I don’t use unlimited which is obviously just a scam since I don’t need to have unlimited when I just want a few gigabytes and I just want to do pay-as-you-go please oh please shut up I don’t want to be paying you every month just because of my phone activity
>listen to the highway and the occasional cricket
>think about getting a pet dog
>no, too sad when it dies… how bout a fish… or dolphin… dolphins are smart right? I like dolphins...
>thoughts start getting muddy
>drift into sleep
>wake up from dream
>go to use the bathroom
>foot lands on a package I was going to return on Sunday
>don’t want to screw it up so I shift my weight
>had an unfolded newspaper under the package to wrap it up later
>paper begins slipping under my foot
>lose balance and fall
>just sit against the wall for a good minute
>stand up
>reach for the light switches and turn them on
>go to bathroom and turn off the lights
>go to bed, but still very awake from the accident
>try think about something random
>no use
>then I think about my dream


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(cont pt 8)

>I seriously saw flaxen

>it was clearly her, her eyes, her face looked the same
>don’t know why someone I haven’t thought in years just popped up in my head
>start thinking about things from elementary school
>sit up
>turn on lights and laptop
>start googling old classmates’ names I haven’t forgotten
>see results
>browse around
>google flaxen
>google flaxen and the private school’s website
>spend at least an hour looking for anything about her
>finally tired
>go back to sleep


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(cont pt 9)

>Friday night I open up my laptop again

>I go through so many results that I begin to only get articles about a 46 year old woman with flaxen’s name being extradited to German court for some fraud charge
>definitely not her
>so I search for results around my home city
>narrow down search results with the custom date tag
>still nothing of use
>start feeling like I’m being a creep or something
>is following this nostalgia worth getting a criminal record?
>I sit back
>why would flaxen have come to my private school?
>on the first day we introduced ourselves in a little circle on a carpet
>she said she moved here
>so why would she have moved to my hometown?
>parents’ jobs?
>look up major companies which were in the area when we were in elementary school
>okay results, but not lots of information and I don’t know what to do next
>she’s probably just as successful as everyone else
>then find it
>children’s hopsital
>look at website
>”One of the Top Ten in America!”
>I knew someone from highschool who moved from San Francisco to my home city for better treatment for some autoimmune disease at that hospital
>could it be
>begin to get paranoid
>search through website
>then I remember


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(cont pt 10)

>flaxen said something about her heart

>fall, still warm though
>we were in P.E, in the field again
>gym teacher gave us kickballs to play pass
>threw it to flaxen
>it aligned with the sun behind it
>it hit her face
>she said it’s fine
>she asked if her nose was okay
>said how she broke her nose once when she was in Austria
>told her about how my sister dislocated her elbow on the carseat when we went to Hawaii and we had to go the hospital where they just did an X-ray and made us wait for three hours before they got the doctor to just pop it back
>start talking about doctors
>then flaxen told me she was going to the children’s hospital every month for her allergies and her heart
>said they had to do tests because she had something wrong with her heart when she was a baby


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(cont pt 11)

>exit the hospital webpage

>slump against the back of my chair
>sit back up and hover fingers above the keys
>search up “flaxen obituaries children’s hospital”
>a few results, click first link
>second link
>local newspaper’s website saved all obituaries since 2006
>find the search bar in the website
>type in flaxen’s name
>pulls obituaries up
>the description under the name shows the date of death and birth
>most of them were born in the 40’s and 50’s
>sort the results by reverse age
>fourth down
>same year of death as when I swapped schools
>same birth year as me
>seems correct
>click on the link without thinking too much
>my leg kicked
>and it was Flaxen’s obituary
>I was genuinely confused
>had a family picture
>that was her mom
>and that was her
>I slowly read the page


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(cont pt 12)

>Julia’s family had listed a few accomplishments she made

>included her winning the school’s poem contest
>stated she passed from complications surrounding something-cardiotis
>I think I kept staring at the same page until around 10:50
>I knew people who had died, but I just felt so empty
>no sorrow
>just an empty feeling
>maybe it’s because for some reason I expected to be able to say hey
>but she wasn’t there to say hi back


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(cont pt 13 [final])

>I remember a few words her poem had and I searched it up:

Foreign Lands, Robert Louis Stevenson
1st verse

”Up into the cherry tree,
who should climb but little me?
I grabbed the trunk with both my hands,
and looked abroad in foreign lands…”

>poem girl, clover hunter, snow lover and so much I won’t know

>hope you had a good time
>was cut short but pray it was a nice ride for you
>if only I knew

>Thanks “Flaxen”

>I won’t be forgetting anymore


Tbh, I pretty much want to cry for the teacher, Flaxen, and you. This is pretty much a sad story to get me to talk more here.


Thank you for sharing this personal story. Tbh reading it, it almost had this surreal feel, like it didn’t take place in the same reality. Maybe that’s just me.
But yeah that’s pretty sad
I’m still confused on Flaxen. Was that her real name, a nickname, a placeholder for this story?



OP here

Julia had wavy flaxen (blonde-brown) hair

She wore it in a ponytail a lot with a little hairtie/ribbon from the school's shop

Temp placeholder was "flaxen"

idk why I stuck with it

Her mom was pretty tall and had straight brown hair. I never saw her dad though. I'm pretty sure she didn't have siblings...

I don't know if we bought a yearbook from the school that year. Parents don't recall either.

To be honest I wrote down everything I really remember here and don't have anything left for myself. But that feels better than having no one else know.


Man, this from a Christian School, what some weird fate.


OHH man first time we got OC in a long while


thats alot of plebbit spacing, not to accuse you of being a plebbitor.
But try to not do that man.


Yeah sorry. It's a bad habit but thanks for telling me



Oh man that hit hard.
Life was never meant to be fair, but man. These old memories... they just have this ethereal feeling to them. Glad you told us.


shit, man, that's pretty heavy. rip to her, only the good die young.


oh holy fuck this is actually OC
minimal correction/nitpick think OP accidentally typed "waking" instead of "making". Still man, thanks for sharing with us. 22chan is the right place for this kind of stuff.


What feels a bit sad to me is that OP is telling a really emotional story, while you anons are bitching about spacing or jerking about it being an OC. I don't know if op is still here, but damn, this story really hits right in the feels.


Fucking heart wrenching story
rip flaxen

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