I've gone and fucked myself. I'm genuinely in fear of my life now. Everyday I wake up, I remember my reality. A wave of fear and anxiety fills me. Sleep is so peaceful, but knowing I could easily be killed during this time makes me stay up for hours on end. Stepping out my front door is a risk too, buut so is staying at home. I'm terrified to schedule another shift at work because I believe my coworkers want to beat the shid out of me. Same goes with my neighbors and the family I live with. Worse than that, I believe people want to gun me down lol. It's become a hellish existence and I don't see any way I could ever be happy again. Genuinely happy and on a good path. My mother, father, siblings have practically disowned me, leaving me for the dogs. Yet I still live with them, I know the way they feel about me.
I have a way out, but my mom might take it away from me. Here's hoping that won't happen.
Either way, once I'm gone, my family will be happier than they were when I was around. Dead or alive.
I can't cope, I want to restart but it's clear that isn't possible. Nor is redemption. Just suffering, or fleeing. But my counselor believes this will follow me no matter how far I go. As for my safety though, leaving this town could be a matter of life or death.
How fucking crazy is that?
I believe that these feelings are deeply rooted in reality, but you would probably call me schizo.
Fuck man, I don't know what to do, I'm only posting this here because I believe my anonymity on a regular pornsite/plebbit have been compromised. Posting with HTTPS everywhere and on a different, more secure browser. Hoping my family isn't able to read what I'm typing.
I don't know if this is me being psycho,(counselor put in a note "psychosis" after our last visit?) but I'm pretty sure I heard my mom say "he already knows they're gonna kill him".Post too long. Click here to view the full text.